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Damaged

I’m standing here all alone. I am broken. I am damaged. He said he loved me with his voice. He said he hated me with his hands. Now I’m just standing here looking at what I was.

Having to get everything out slowly guys bare with me

51

Fifty-one. That’s how many days you’ve been gone. I’d like to say that I have days where I don’t think about you at all; but that would be a lie. Although things are getting better. I only cry a few times a week when I think about how you were too me. Honestly though, you are not what makes me sad. What makes my eyes well up is the fact that I loved you so much, and you just didn’t care. Truth be told I was in love with you before I ever even knew of your existence. The first day I laid eyes on you, I knew that I’d fall for you. I pushed you away for years. Then when I decided to stop pushing and lay my heart out, you took it squeezed the life out of it and threw it in the dirt. I knew you’d choose her. I tried to stay strong for you. I was weak. Weak for even falling into your trap. I believed you when you said you loved me. I believed you when you promised to never leave me. To be honest though you left me emotionally long before you drove away.

I remember when you came to me over a year ago now. You were crushed. You were a mess. An impending baby with someone who broke your heart. I listened without bias. I gave advice, even when you didn’t want it. I believed in you when no one else did. I stood by your side through one of the toughest things you went through. Who else constantly encouraged you to get what you deserved? Who else told you to get off your ass and get a job? Who told you, just go back there, explain your problem. What happened? They took you back (just like I knew they would). I keep thinking about the beginning of all of this. How I begged you to just leave me alone because I was going to get to attached. Why wouldn’t I though? Your funny, smart, sensitive, strong and good looking. But the thing I fell in love with was how you showed your care and affection. Maybe this just shines light on what is wrong with me but following me to work, fighting for my phone (only to find nothing because I was always true to you). I smiled when you got into these rages because I could see you clearly. A vulnerable heart aching to be loved. I will never love another quite the way I loved you. I made your choice simple, you were always going to choose her. After all to you I was nothing but a bump in the road, all the while for me you were a mountain. I had to climb all the way up only to realize the only way down was to jump to my death.

It doesn’t make sense to yall I’m sure. I’m going through some stuff right now and I just need to get it all out… Let me know what you guys think.. advice wise..

Lack of Closure

You left. He made you. But you left emotionally. You checked out. I don’t know when it happened. I believed in you. I believed you. You lied. You weren’t real. It was a dream turned nightmare. I am broken. You broke me. I’m dead. I’m an empty vessel. My eyes dehydrated. My heart slowed. You were never there. You played me. I let you. You used me. You discarded me. You left me for dead. You destroyed me. You are not a man of his word. Your promises were in vain. You never made love to me. I was just a pawn in your game. Why did you say you loved me? Why did you pretend to love me? Why can’t I stop caring? You never did. You are a great actor. This story has a sad ending. This story isn’t happily ever after. The ending was intentionally fabricated. The only chance is now at the bottom of the wishing well. The well is dry. Why did I fall? I knew better. A wolf is almost always in sheep’s clothing. I will never believe a word out of the snakes mouth again. You were the devil. And I failed God’s test. I will never be the same. My use ran out and so did the fabrication you called love.

Doodles

There in the corner lies a candle.
A candle whose light flickers on the wall.
There on that wall shadows dance.
A dance that only I can understand.
There I understand I am lonesome.
A lonesome dove with no comrade.
There is no comrade to fly the sky.
A sky that is never ending.

There is where I can see my life ending.

Define Me

My life: A million pieces scattered on the floor.

My body: A used, worn out vessel.

My heart: A single star in the night sky.

My mind: A collage of insanity.

My hands: A curious set of eyes.

My feet: A map with no lines.

My ears: A burning desire to feel.

My eyes: A fountain of pain.

My lips: A vault sealed shut from the inside.

I feel so unworthy, so I keep venturing back to the very place that makes me question my worth.

How can a tongue be so harsh to a heart that’s breaking?

Yet some how I want more.

More than the merry go round game thats being spun.

His face is that of an artist, his hands are the brushes, his heart is the canvas.

I am so blinded when he lights up.

Weak knees.

Strong legs.

Weak mind.

Strong brain.

Weak pulse.

Strong heart.

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